We've all been there - searching for the right way to communicate what we are thinking and feeling. This is especially important to land in a marriage. In this episode, we dive in and take a look at 'Five Keys to a Stronger Marriage', focusing in on how we communicate with each other. And good news - these are keys that can also help in just about any relationship in your life! Plus, a very special co-host joins Brad for this conversation - his wife, Sara! Tune in to find out why Brad is hammering in the studio, what the temp in the house has to do with today's topic, and most importantly, some practical steps anyone can take to improve the communication in their marriage.
Connect with us on social media and / or email:
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Email - gomadshow@hutchcraft.com
Or find out more about us on our website: gomadpodcast.com
Enjoy the show? We'd love it if you took a moment to leave a review on Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/go-m-a-d/id1593068456
Thank you for listening and Go M.A.D. today!
We've all been there - searching for the right way to communicate what we are thinking and feeling. This is especially important to land in a marriage. In this episode, we dive in and take a look at 'Five Keys to a Stronger Marriage', focusing in on how we communicate with each other. And good news - these are keys that can also help in just about any relationship in your life! Plus, a very special co-host joins Brad for this conversation - his wife, Sara! Tune in to find out why Brad is hammering in the studio, what the temp in the house has to do with today's topic, and most importantly, some practical steps anyone can take to improve the communication in their marriage.
Connect with us on social media and / or email:
Twitter - @GoMADPodcast
Facebook - facebook.com/gomadshow
Instagram - @gomadshow
YouTube - @gomadshow
Email - gomadshow@hutchcraft.com
Or find out more about us on our website: gomadpodcast.com
Enjoy the show? We'd love it if you took a moment to leave a review on Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/go-m-a-d/id1593068456
Thank you for listening and Go M.A.D. today!
Welcome back to Go Mad with Doug and Brad, minus Doug plus Sarah. Yes, doug is out today, but Brad's wife, sarah, is co-hosting with Brad and, honestly, brad seems totally fine with it. Doug, if you're listening, I'm sure Brad misses you greatly. We'll see you next time. Brad and Sarah discuss five communication keys to strengthen your marriage. If you're not married, that's okay. These keys work in pretty much any relationship that you may have, so let's get to it and go mad.
Speaker 2:Welcome everyone to a brand new episode of Go Mad with Doug and Brad. Jesse Doug's not here, is he? Look through the glass here. Who do you see around the table right now?
Speaker 1:Well, I see a not Doug, not Doug.
Speaker 2:I'm going to venture out there and say, someone that is better looking than Doug.
Speaker 3:by a lot I mean a lot. You better hope Doug's not listening.
Speaker 2:Oh no, he'll hear it. My wife, sarah, is joining us for today's episode. Now, if you're here listening in, we want you to know we're going to be talking about five mad keys for a healthier marriage, especially communicating in marriage, and Sarah has told me what those are.
Speaker 3:Exactly, I gave him a script.
Speaker 2:Sarah, thank you for being on the episode with us today. You love this, you love just when my favorite. Now I was wondering wait, jesse, are you hearing anything in the audio?
Speaker 1:Yes, I am Brad.
Speaker 2:What is it? What do you think?
Speaker 1:Because we should clean that up real quick. We did establish before that I can actually see what you're doing. Yeah yeah. It might be the hammer that you're hitting a nail. You're doing, yeah, yeah, it might be the hammer that you have and you're hitting a nail with a hammer. Oh, you do see that. He hears it too, I think I hear it and I see it, and that is the sound. There we go. Yep, I was correct.
Speaker 2:So do you know why I'm doing this, Jesse? It's because I figured a good visual aid on an audio podcast was the way to go.
Speaker 3:Is that?
Speaker 2:So, sarah, what do you do with a hammer? You hit things, you hit things.
Speaker 3:Why do you hit?
Speaker 2:things you build. You build things with a hammer, but what else do you do with a hammer? What else can a hammer do?
Speaker 3:Hammers break things also.
Speaker 2:All right. So I have this hammer in my hand and it is great for building things Not so much in my hand. Sarah could attest to that. I'm not necessarily building great things with a hammer, but it can build a lot of things. But a hammer can also break things. I'm going to show you by taking this to the microphone right now.
Speaker 1:Wait, yeah, that's probably a bad idea, isn't it? It's fine? It's fine, do what you need to do, brett. Idea, isn't it? It's fine?
Speaker 2:Do what you need to do, bro. So this hammer can both build up and destroy, and that is what we're going to be focusing on today the fact that our words can both build up and destroy and tear down, and we've got a theme verse that's going to guide us through today. Sarah, you got that for us.
Speaker 3:Ephesians 4.29. Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up, that it may benefit those who listen.
Speaker 2:Man, what a powerful verse, a great communication verse, a great marriage verse, and we're going to dive into these five keys Now. We're going to try to do this in just about 20 minutes here. So you just stick with us, and we really do hope that this will be an encouragement to you. Now you may be sitting there saying I am not married and I don't know if I'm going to be married, or I was in a marriage and now I'm not and so don't. I was about to say touch that dial.
Speaker 3:I do that sometimes and no one's listening to this on radio.
Speaker 2:No one even knows what the dial is anymore.
Speaker 2:There we go. So stay tuned because, yes, for marriages, these are keys that we find. That is represented in the way that Christ loves the church and how he deals with us, which marriage is supposed to be a reflection of that, our roles in how we talk with each other, how we treat each other in marriage. But these are also very practical life points for how you can communicate in any relationships with your parents, with your siblings, with friends, in other, maybe dating relationships. So don't feel like this is just for married couples, even if we're talking mostly about that today. These are tips we trust will be an encouragement to you, whoever you are. So are you ready?
Speaker 3:I'm ready. Scripture says a lot about how the hardest part of self-control is the tongue and, like Brad said, this isn't just in marriage. This is with everybody. We know everybody. We love people. We don't even know how we communicate is an important thing to practice.
Speaker 2:All right, so here we go Five mad keys for healthier marriages and healthier marriage communication. The first one you're going to be shocked by this it matters what we say. Do you think that's true, sarah? Do you find that's true in your own life? When I'm sharing with you, when we're communicating at home, does it matter what we say?
Speaker 3:no, it does. It does the words that come out of your mouth do matter.
Speaker 2:It's almost like our theme verse touches on that. It's the I. One of the things that really gets me every time we look at that verse is do not let. It's not just unwholesome talk, it's that. Any word that gets me it is that do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth. So it is supposed to be. Every word is guarded in our lives.
Speaker 3:And I'm just now noticing it says don't let it come out of your mouth. It might be there, it might be in your mouth, but don't let it come out. That's kind of funny, I haven't actually thought that.
Speaker 2:It's like there's this guard, there's a supposed to be this stop between your brain and your mouth. And, let's face it, the goalie moves sometimes and, uh, we're like, oh, my goodness, that one got past me.
Speaker 3:Sometimes it depends on how much coffee I've had in the morning that's why I try not to talk too much before that time.
Speaker 2:After you know 20 plus, 20 plus years of marriage, I've learned to just wait till the coffee kicks in. And the reality is is that, when you think of what we say, what this verse tells us is only what is helpful for building others up. So we're supposed to speak encouragement to each other. We're supposed to speak words of honor. Sarah, on a previous podcast we talked about the honor list. Can you tell folks what is that, in case they missed that? Well, if you missed that, go back and listen to all the episodes, you'll find it. No, I mean, it's in one of the marriage episodes. But I'll tell you this. It is a very important concept the honor list. What is this?
Speaker 3:It's one of the best tools I've discovered in our marriage and other relationships as well. When somebody does something that you like, take note of it, Take mental note, but don't just leave it at oh, that was cool or that was nice. Write it down and then go a step further and tell them. You can tell them in the moment. You can go on a date and read the honor list to them. It's an amazing tool when you're frustrated, when you're upset when somebody has done that thing for the 10th time that you've asked them not to do, Look at the honor list and say how important is that thing compared to all these amazing character qualities of my spouse or this person that I love? And it just helps give you perspective.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I think when you look back at that list in those times of frustration helps reset your focus without even if you're not saying them at that time, to just read them yourself and have a reminder of wow, this is it matters. What I say because this person means this and the reality is is that we are each wide, we are, have intrinsic value because we are creation of the Most High God, we are his sons and daughters, and so we should be saying the right things to each other. We should be speaking words of high honor over each other. And I will add this Another what you say thing that matters is we've talked about Fonzie on this episode, probably every episode, and it is how he has a hard time saying he was wrong.
Speaker 2:Say you're sorry, admit when you're wrong. That matters to be able to say that to someone. And, by the way, on the honor list, we have no excuse anymore, because we always have a phone with us where we can write things down as they hit us. One other thing that's important to say to each other is just those three words more, because we always have a phone with us where we can write things down as they hit us. One other thing that's important to say to each other is just those three words I love you. Don't assume that you've said it once so they know it forever. Just make sure you say it and you mean it.
Speaker 3:Even if you're not always feeling it, you know you love this person and it's important for them to hear that Right now I'm seeing the Grinch when he starts to cry, when his heart has grown and he says I'm leaking, we leak. We need to be reminded, we need to be encouraged and poured into to fill us back up again.
Speaker 2:That's right, all right.
Speaker 2:So key number two, key number one here is it matters what we say. The second one and if you're wondering here, these are all tips to help us to be better Christ ambassadors in our lives, in our marriages, in our homes, in our relationships, and that's what we're all about here is helping people know that. How can I be a better make a difference ambassador in my everyday life? So key number two is it matters when we say it. So it matters what we say and it matters when we say it. I can tell you this, that three words that stick out to me these are grab a pen, these are going to be the most memorable words you've ever written down.
Speaker 2:Read the room and I'm talking mostly to the men, all right, read the room, guys. It where it is. Like man, you, all of a sudden you're like oh, I'm I got to say this and I'm going to say it right now. And all of a sudden, you're like oh, I got to say this and I'm going to say it right now. And all of a sudden, we're not even considering the feelings of our spouse, we're not considering the feelings of the wife that God has given us, has blessed us with and to be able to just say you know what I need to? Not just know what to say, but I need to know when to say it.
Speaker 2:When is the right time? Time If you're coming home from work and all of a sudden you see that the kids have pulled out half the hair, that there's paint on the walls, that there's all these different things probably not the right time to say honey, what's for dinner? That's probably read the room man, read the room Sarah. To the ladies who are listening, any encouragement you would give them in this Try to remember a lot of us.
Speaker 3:if we're at home, we're talking to little kids all day and we're grateful to have a grown human to speak with. If we're working, there's a lot of things that we want to communicate to our spouse, and usually that happens the second he walks in the door and he's unpacking still from a long day at work or whatever he's been doing, and has a lot of things going on in his heart and mind as well. So exactly what Brad said read the room, look in his eyes, see each of us, just take a breath, reconnect. When it's time to talk about things, we can talk about things, but we don't need to unleash on each other immediately. As soon as a thought hits our mind, just wait for the right time when it can be received well.
Speaker 2:Yeah, three tips I would give you. For matters when we say it, not when you're both exhausted, not when you're feeling overly frustrated, and not when you're emotionally amped up and angry. Psalm 4.4 talks about this Do not sin by letting anger control you. Think about it overnight and remain silent. I love this because someone pointed out a different version to me, because I grew up with the memorizing don't let the sun go down while you're angry and people are like well, I got to get this off my chest before I go to bed then. But that's not actually when you read the verse. Think about it overnight and remain silent. If you are amped up, if you're angry, if you're frustrated about something, take time on your bed before the Lord to quiet your heart, hear from him, remain silent and listen to him before you speak. What you feel God is putting on your heart to share. Does that make sense? All right? And then key number three where are we going next, sarah? What is the third key? To just make a difference marriage communication.
Speaker 3:It matters how we say it. You can say the same thing in so many different tones and communicate a world of difference.
Speaker 2:You know what? Actually, it's kind of funny how we say this. Just hit me that we do this game where we have some of the young people we work with will choose three of them from the crowd and we give them a sentence and they just read from the card and we say, ok, read it angry, read it romantic, read it frustrated, whatever it is, and read it joyful. And it is so funny because you hear the different tones and people in the room crack up because there's these different ways of saying the same thing and it matters how we say it. We have this thing that Sarah and I sometimes Okay, I'm guessing Jesse won't need to intervene here. Actually, jesse, let me ask you this Between you and Tara, you guys have a great marriage. Who likes it? At which temp in the house Sarah starts laughing. So what's your kind of ideal temp range in the house, jesse?
Speaker 1:Yeah, 68.
Speaker 2:All right, and then, Tara 71.
Speaker 3:Arizona girl.
Speaker 2:So, not too bad of a difference there. I don't know.
Speaker 1:That three degrees really does make a big difference. Sometimes, even though it doesn't, it does.
Speaker 2:No, it really does.
Speaker 3:This is about to turn into a marriage therapy session.
Speaker 2:We may need Jesse here, but the reality is that we have in our house the thermostat and it depends who is at home. We race in the door after we get home to see who. It's kind of like people call shotgun going to a car. We don't go into the thermostat, it's just shotgun. I get it, but there's a range of about 17 to 20 degrees between Sarah and me.
Speaker 3:Wow, I did grow up in Africa.
Speaker 2:She grew up in hot, humid rainforest Africa. But okay, that may be a little bit much, but I'd probably be in that 68, 69 range.
Speaker 3:Maybe we need to add a separate note just about exaggerating here.
Speaker 2:So there's like a 75, fine, I'm like it's not, but so we find a mix and match there. In other words, what that means is I sneak and turn it down a couple of degrees when I can, but the reality is you have the thermostat and you have a thermometer in your house. The thermometer is reading the temperature. The thermostat is setting the temperature. That is what we're talking about. It matters how you communicate, because you should be the thermostat. You be the one that is saying you know what. I am not going to be reactive, I'm going to set the temperature in each situation, and that's going to be my role. For if both the husband and the wife are doing that, man, all of a sudden you have a home where you're looking out for each other and you're being careful with how you say things, because you don't want to all of a sudden escalate the temp to some crazy 75 degrees in the house.
Speaker 3:That would be ridiculous.
Speaker 2:That would be ridiculous, that's outrageous.
Speaker 3:All right. Proverbs 15.1 says A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger when my kids were little and anybody who's been around a lot of little kids knows how they mirror each other with their volume. Sometimes it's just the volume that can cause us to feel tense and I would sometimes respond with a whisper and it was amazing how sometimes their entire demeanor would change and relax when they had to draw close and be like what did you say? And I would say it quietly again and everything would change in the whole house if I could respond and get them to mirror that instead of raising each other's voices.
Speaker 2:Here's a great question, I think, to ask. Obviously, men and women have differences Shocker there, but the reality is, we can all each learn about each other and learn how to treat each other the right way. So here's a good question how does what you are saying and how you say it reflect that person's value as both your spouse and as a child of God? How are the words you're saying? So we talked about what you say and how you say it. These are two key things, because they go together, and you need to be making sure that your words are not words that are unwholesome and tearing down, but that you are using your words to be like that hammer that builds up instead of tearing down. To use it, use your words, use your words for that purpose.
Speaker 3:And the second part of that Ephesians 4 passage says that it may benefit those who listen. We've all been on the other end of hearing an argument between a spouse or encouraging words, and what does that do to your spirit? And so we can communicate a lot to other people just based on how we speak to each other.
Speaker 2:Last thing on how we say it. One of the worst things that there is in communication in marriages and just between friends and family, is passive aggressive. Don't be passive, aggressive in your words. It's so hard to navigate around that sometimes, but those words can hurt, that tone can hurt, and you know if you're one of those folks that goes to that more often. So don't be passive aggressive. Talk directly to each other. It's easy to fall back into that trap. Make sure you're directly communicating with each other. It's easy to fall back into that trap. Make sure you're directly communicating with each other in a healthy way. All right, key number four. Key number four is it matters who you are saying it to, and this one's going to go pretty quick. It's really straightforward here. But, sarah, why does it matter? Who should we be communicating with?
Speaker 3:If you have something to communicate, maybe try communicating to the person. Wait, that person, that person?
Speaker 2:That you want to communicate with Whoa. I mean, this is mind-blowing you don't need to call your mom.
Speaker 3:You don't need to go to Instagram or Reddit or Facebook. Wow, okay, you don't need to call your neighbor up the street and complain about your husband.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's really true. We need to communicate with each other, not social media. Communicate with each other not family and friends primarily and communicate with each other, not children you may have together. That's a huge one. It really is that parents try to get their children to take sides. Your children are never to be weapons against a spouse. They are never to be caught in the middle of some poor communication that you are having. So, even if your husband or your wife does that, do not go to that level. Do not engage in that. It's up to you what choices you make and, yes, there are times you may need to talk to someone else, whether it is, hey, we need to go talk to a counselor together, our pastor, whoever it may be, to get words of advice. But what we're talking about here is, generally speaking, make sure you are communicating with the person that you need to be talking with, first and foremost.
Speaker 3:And I think that's a really huge point you made, Brad is own responsibility for your own words. Don't go to the you made me feel this way line of thinking or communicating, because you're still responsible for your feelings. You're responsible for what you speak out and what you put out into the world.
Speaker 2:All right. So we've gotten through four keys so far. To recap where we're at before Sarah gives us key number five is it matters what we say, it matters when we say it, it matters how we say it and it matters who you are saying it to. So the final key that we've got for today, these are just five. There's more than this, but five make a difference marriage, communication keys what is it?
Speaker 3:It matters why you are saying it. Do you actually need to say it or are you just venting and spewing a bunch of poison into someone else's life?
Speaker 2:It's really true. So why we say it? So, when you think about that, am I saying it because I need to say it? And something important to communicate? Or just something that I want to say that, man, I need to be able to get this off my chest. What a phrase that is. I need to be able to get it off my chest. There's selfishness involved in that a lot of times, because we're not thinking about the other person in that. Yes, we need to communicate the frustrations. We need to communicate the things we are feeling. There needs to be this open dialogue, but it just needs to be something that is not unwholesome talk, that is helpful for building the other person up. If you're sitting there saying, yeah, what I'm going to say is helpful, because it will stop doing this, guess what.
Speaker 2:That is the hammer not used for building up. That is the hammer for tearing down.
Speaker 3:As you were saying that, brad, what popped into my head was Jesus saying cast all your anxieties, all your burdens on me and he can hold it, he can carry it, he has ultimate unlimited capacity. And you're right we do need to communicate with each other. If I'm struggling, you need to know it and I need to be able to communicate that to you. But why am I telling it to you? Do I expect you to fix all my problems? Do I expect you to make it go away, or do I just want to get all of this out and then, all of a sudden, you have to carry it?
Speaker 2:Sarah, that's really important actually, and we'll add a key 5B or 4B, I guess would be who you're saying it to Make sure you are bringing all these things to Jesus first and foremost. If you have not talked with him about whatever stressful or frustrating situation, first talk to him, Stop first. He should be your first stop on the way to communicating with your spouse, with any relationship, friendship, family. Bring Jesus into the conversation and then pray to him on your own and pray together before you start talking. And then pray to him on your own and pray together before you start talking. Don't make it a loaded prayer. Just ask for prayer for peace and for God to guide your conversation in these things. So thank you for pointing that out. It's really important.
Speaker 3:That's probably one of the most powerful things you've done in our marriage is when I am in a stressful situation or am hurt or am struggling, and I share it with you. When you turn with me to prayer and bring it to Jesus, it speaks to me that you know and you care about what's going on with me, but you care enough to bring it to the one who can ultimately heal.
Speaker 2:Thank you for sharing that, sarah. I want to be someone who is better at learning how to communicate each and every step of the way, because even over the years, our needs change and we should be looking out for how can we encourage someone through our words, our spouse through our words, knowing how God wants us to communicate with each other? Using Ephesians 4.29 as a key verse that you post in different places in your bedroom, around your home, so it is a reminder for you of how we are to communicate. Man, that is such a key to follow what the Scriptures say, what the Bible says. You mentioned the Bible at the beginning. That should be our guidebook for how we're communicating with each other, how our marriage is shaped, how we're treating each other. And then, as we've talked about in other episodes, that will filter down to your children, for they will see what you are doing, they will see the model you have and that is much more likely to be replicated in their lives and their marriages going forward.
Speaker 3:Children model what they see and experience more than what you tell them. This is what you should do, but if you're not showing it to them, they're not going to replicate it nearly as much.
Speaker 2:Well, we hope that these five make a difference. Marriage keys have been really helpful to you and that they'll help you on the road. Ed, sarah, thank you so much for filling in for Doug this week and we'll look forward to having back in studio next time, but I would love having you here each episode. So sorry, doug. So, from all of us to all of you, until next time, go mad.