Go M.A.D.

Four Beautiful Boundaries for a Magnificent Marriage (w/ Doug and Brad's Wives)

• Doug and Brad Hutchcraft • Season 4 • Episode 7

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Today is the day! The bros' wives are finally back. Doug, Brad, Anna, and Sara talk boundaries in marriage - how do boundaries actually create closeness? What danger areas do they address? And why is Doug deeply offended by the term "life partner?" Whether you're married or not, check out this special episode for some incredible insight for being Christ's ambassadors.


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Speaker 1:

Welcome everyone to a very special edition of Go Mad with Doug and Brad, because, doug, it's not just Doug and Brad, is it?

Speaker 2:

It is not just Doug and Brad. It is Doug, brad, anna, sarah, our wives here. We are excited to have the wives here. I have a question for you real quick, brad. I was looking at our download numbers and I'm wondering why the episodes with our wives get so many more downloads than just the ones with us Do.

Speaker 1:

I need to answer that.

Speaker 2:

Well, I was trying to figure this out. It's either that people are really interested in marriage or that they are much, much more intelligent and better looking than us. Let's go with both. Can we go with the first?

Speaker 1:

All right, we'll go with both, I will say that if you have not checked us out on YouTube yet, this is the time to do it, because there's actually a reason to you know. This is going to be the best looking YouTube episode we have, that's right. In fact, we are in a different setting today because, let's face it, doug, they don't say this in so many words, but Sarah and Anna, they're surrounded by our toys, I mean collectibles at home. We are, and they they're not dollies, they're collectibles.

Speaker 2:

Action figures. Action figures.

Speaker 1:

So we decided hey, you know what, we're going to go action figure.

Speaker 2:

So we decided, hey, you know what, we're gonna go to a place where we look smart, and so we've got books around us. That's the key. Yeah, you got to get on youtube if you haven't. I'm actually trying to break a record for how many different jackets a guy can buy from target so I, I like it, I like the jacket.

Speaker 1:

Thank you, yes, you, yes, and you won't hear from Jesse. He is here today.

Speaker 3:

Hi Jesse.

Speaker 1:

He's very much a presence here because he is going to be making sure we actually have working mics and all of that. So we're grateful for Jesse. He'll be back with the input and join the conversation in the next episode. But, sarah Anna, there are some people who have tuned in to previous episodes and they know you guys, but there are people who they're checking us out for the first time and some who have joined in just this season. So can we hear? Tell people just a little bit about you so they know who they're hearing from today.

Speaker 3:

Well, I was born in Liberia, africa. I had a well, I almost had a pet monkey, but my mom said no.

Speaker 1:

Doug. The mom said no, I know you like to think she had a pet monkey, I really have convinced myself.

Speaker 3:

You had a pet monkey I still have dreams of having a pet monkey someday, and my birthday is coming up, so I just wanted to throw that in, that's why she married me.

Speaker 1:

Sorry, that was too easy. A pet monkey someday and my birthday is coming up, so I just wanted to throw that out there. That's why she married me. Sorry, that was too easy.

Speaker 3:

The pet monkey marrying me Too easy, and coffee is my love language. Oh yeah, I just wanted to throw that out there too.

Speaker 1:

Well, and doing dishes. So if I bring you coffee, then do the dishes.

Speaker 4:

Yes, yes, oh man, and that was Sarah and not on YouTube. Oh yes, I'm Sarah, anna. Hi, I'm Anna. I am Doug's life partner.

Speaker 2:

Great Is that the term we're using. Now, that's cute Is my life partner.

Speaker 4:

No, but I'm Navajo, born and raised on the Navajo Reservation.

Speaker 2:

We've been married it'll be 30 years in May. We've been married 30 years. We will applaud that that is awesome, not life partner. Before we get emails.

Speaker 1:

I mean, she's your partner for life she is. My best buddy, sarah and I have been married, coming up now On 22 years. So you guys, we courted a little longer, a lot longer. Sarah and I have been married coming up now on 22 years. So you guys I know you have us beat we courted a little longer.

Speaker 4:

A lot longer Another episode.

Speaker 1:

So, and they have, doug and Ann have three wonderful children. We have three wonderful children and we're going to dive in today to talking about, in our marriages, some of the boundaries, the beautiful boundaries that we have found are so important. I actually so. I think you guys all know this, but when I I lost a lot of weight a few years ago and everything, I used it by using this fitness app and you know it was encouraging, challenging, discouraging, angering, all at the same time, because that's what the best apps are.

Speaker 1:

They really, really are you put in your calorie goals for the day and you're like okay, so this is what I need to do. And they say, hey, that's what you need to do to lose weight. And so I you put in what you're eating and it shows you how many calories you have left. And then you you eat breakfast and you're like I'm already over this is not.

Speaker 2:

I should not have had a piece of bacon at all. That is so. That's right. Who knew I tried that? When you suggested it, I thought you said fat in a sack and I was like this works great, it's working perfectly. But no, I was Lots of those.

Speaker 1:

So what we're going to talk about is when you have the word of God as your marriage boundaries. As you look to that, as far as what God says you should be prioritizing in your life, well, all of a sudden things start to make more sense and you have something to compare it to. You have these goals set for you so you're not just making stuff up as you go. You're able to say what is important to God.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, yeah, boundary can kind of sound like an ugly word, but it isn't. It's just what can we put in our marriages and we're still learning. After 30 years, after 22 years, we're still learning that there are things that if you try to keep them out and keep other things into your marriage, it makes a big difference. We're getting close to Valentine's Day, so we hope that we'll be able to land some good advice here, some biblical advice and just things that we've learned over the years of 52 years. If you combine it, hey, wow.

Speaker 1:

It's not too bad, we're good. And, Sarah, you had mentioned one thing that I thought was really important Before we dive in, and we'll kick off with the first boundary beautiful boundary. That's actually why we said beautiful boundaries, because we know boundaries can sound negative, but these are beautiful boundaries that help in marriage. Sarah, just for those, what would you say to those who are they're in a marriage where they're like, okay, I'm going to listen to these, but I know my spouse has no interest in these boundaries? What would you kind of encourage people with along the way?

Speaker 3:

So that's really challenging. A lot of times, I've noticed, in the world we live in, we live in reaction to everybody around us. Whether it's social media or relationships, we're always reacting to how somebody else treats us. And so what I love about the idea of boundaries is we can do our part, and we can do all of our part to the best of our ability, and so when you build your life according to the word of God, with the boundaries that he's given us, you don't have to always be reacting to well, he did this, and now what do I do? But you can build a life on a foundation and do all of your part to the best of your ability.

Speaker 1:

And who knows, as you live it out and you pray for your spouse, maybe they will start to see even more of Jesus in you than they already do. So this is about being an ambassador in your marriage. That's what we talk about all the time going mad, making a difference. As an ambassador for Christ, doug, you want to give us number one. Where are we starting on this journey? Here today, I just want to affirm what Sarah said there.

Speaker 2:

First, because even if you're the only one putting these boundaries, in being serious about keeping some things in your relationship, in your marriage, keeping some things out a lot of times, your spouse is going to see that, appreciate it. Maybe they'll ask you about it and so give these a shot. Our first beautiful boundary is making our spouse our priority. And what is the one thing we never have enough of in our lives, and it's time. So when I hear making my wife a priority, I'm talking quality time man. And the question for me is what I want to ask, anna this what do you think constitutes quality time? So we say we need to get time together, we need to get quality time together, but what makes something quality time to you?

Speaker 4:

I would say um, just shutting off everything, just shutting off everything, um, even phones, even phones, whoa, whoa, whoa I didn't know we were going radical today. This is not radical and just focusing on each other. Um uh, there's going to be a lot of noise around you. Having three kids, one in college, it's a lot for us, even work-wise, so you got to shut everything off.

Speaker 2:

If you don't schedule it, it won't happen. It's that simple.

Speaker 4:

If you don't schedule.

Speaker 2:

I was reading in Matthew 6, 6 recently about how Jesus says when you go into your prayer time, okay, it says go into a room and close the door and it kind of goes to this list and you go, wait a minute. This is all about keeping the distractions out so I can really focus on the one I love. It's a great checklist for time with the spouse that you love as well.

Speaker 2:

Take that phone, put it in the glove compartment if you're going out to a restaurant or airplane mode, or airplane mode, that's right. But look, doing this takes discipline, just like it does when you're praying the Lord. It takes discipline to do it, it takes being intentional, but, man, it minimizes distraction. And that really, I think, says on a practical level, I love you to my wife when I say, you know, I love this phone, it's with me all the time, but I love you more, I'm shutting it off, I'm putting it somewhere where, at least for an hour, two hours, three hours, it's not going to have a say in our conversation, it's just going to be us.

Speaker 1:

Well, and I think what I would add to that the phone is so key because it's always buzzing. It's always a distraction, so I'm glad that's where we started with that. The other ways things we need to look at some may be like well, I still have a flip phone, so I'm good. Well, what else is vying for the attention? What else does your spouse see as vying for their attention? And you don't get to decide that. That's the hard part. You don't get to say well, I know what it is. Have you asked them? Have you gone and said, have I gone and said, sarah, what is it that you see is the biggest distraction for me when we're trying to just have time together?

Speaker 1:

So I think to ask them and it's not a matter of just you may be afraid to ask that because you're like what if they come down on me? What if the answer is like well, this is about good communication, having these priorities in place. So it may be your golf game, it may be your gaming, it may be your work. Who knows, it may be your gaming, it may be your work, who knows, it may be your kids' sports that you're just always going to and you never have time for each other and so what makes your spouse feel like the priority and for us?

Speaker 1:

We go to a church with a great pastor who has this simple lineup for a simple equation that helps you have some of that quality time and that's a daily delay, taking time to just check in with each other and say how are things going before you start watching that show whatever five, ten minutes even to be able to just check in with each other. The weekly withdrawal, so date time, going out, doing something together, go for a walk together, whatever it is. And the annual abandon, which we still are not awesome at, because when you have three kids and they're growing and everything, it's like when do we go away? And everything.

Speaker 3:

And we love vacationing with our kids, but he makes the point that to get away where it's all out of the way is so huge too, so it may be that's an encouragement that would help you with some priorities there, I think what I would add to that too, though, is sometimes it's scary, like you hear Brad say, it might be golf, it might be this and we want to hold on to our hobbies or the things that matter, and it's not like you have to give everything up just to stare into each other's eyes all day long, but you can share hobbies, or when I know I'm your priority, I don't I mean have football on. I I don't I mean have football on. I'm not going to care about the game much.

Speaker 3:

I'll pretend every once in a while for your sake, but it's more about knowing, having that safety of knowing like I matter and you're going to prioritize time with me, so enjoy the things you enjoy, but do it in balance.

Speaker 1:

Be willing to sacrifice your priorities. I love that, sarah. My verse here was Ephesians 5.25. It's applicable to so many areas. But husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. He was willing to lay everything down for us, and so are we willing to make these priorities, this quality time, as you said, doug, that much of a priority these priorities, this quality time, as you said, doug, that much of a priority.

Speaker 2:

That's so good that, just to get back a little bit on that, ask your spouse this. Don't be afraid Most of the time your spouses, it might even floor them that you're even asking that If you're waiting for your husband, for your wife to come and say that to you, they might not, because they might feel like, oh, they feel like I'm judging them or I'm being critical. Just figure out a nice way to say you know what I love you and I just want to make sure that you're feeling the attention from me that you should. Good.

Speaker 1:

Communication.

Speaker 2:

Brad, do you have another one?

Speaker 1:

Well, number two we actually have the it's four P's actually wound up being of beautiful boundaries. So have the it's four p's actually wound up being of beautiful boundaries? So uh, the uh. The second one is purity boundaries. And now this one is this is really about what we allow into our hearts and everything. Now I automatically, when you say purity, people go to one area in their mind. So let's just address that head-on, let's talk about that. But purity is about more than just this.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, if we don't at least bring up the bane of pornography, we're not really doing anyone any favors. It's such a huge thing in marriages even, by all accounts. These Gallup polls have come out, where they even asked pastors, and pastors are struggling with it so badly. No one listening, watching needs to hear that it is not a healthy thing for your marriage. But I saw something recently. They actually did this study with with butterflies. Okay, so get this.

Speaker 2:

So this scientist there's a male butterfly he takes, he makes this cardboard butterfly, makes it shiny, puts like shiny things, put an extra bunch of colors and everything a little bit bigger and everything, and he put that and then he put an actual. So that's cardboard. Then he put an actual female butterfly next to it and the male butterfly, time after time after time, went to the that this, even though it wasn't real, these butterflies were tricked into thinking that that was the better option. So butterflies tricked by cardboard. Well, according to every study I've read scientifically, there's this dopamine thing that happens to our mind, to a man or a woman, when they watch this stuff, mind to a man or a woman when they watch this stuff. And so the butterfly tricked by cardboard, people tricked by pixels and it actually bonds you to what is on the screen because of the dopamine that comes in. So, without even realizing it, by watching this stuff you are falling for a fake, impossible standard like the butterfly. And if you're holding your husband, your wife, up to that standard, without even realizing it, that is going to come out in your marriage.

Speaker 2:

So I say it real fast the Bible, a bat, a brother. If you're trying to get out of pornography, memorize God's Word and when you get tempted by it, just battle with pornography, take every thought captive A bat like, think about a baseball bat just where you destroy every bridge back to that addiction. It might be a Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, it might even be going to the gym. Whatever it is, you got to be serious about knocking that bridge out. And finally, a brother or a buddy, somebody or a sister, somebody that can hold you accountable, that you trust. If you get serious about those three things and when you're struggling with it you call that person, you talk to them, say talk me down, I'm. You can get over a porn addiction, but it just depends how serious you are about it With God's help for sure.

Speaker 2:

With God's help. For sure, Doug, that's so good.

Speaker 1:

The only thing I would really add you covered most of what people would struggle with in the purity side. But the reality is, even if you're not looking at pornography, even if that's not something you are actively consuming Hebrews 13, 4,. Marriage should be honored by all and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. When I read that verse usually it's used in the dating talks for young people it's like no premarital sex, don't do it, and it's like, well, okay, that's true, but that verse is not just for before marriage, that verse is for marriage. That verse is about so when you look at that, for God will judge the adulterer.

Speaker 1:

This isn't just about what we are physically doing, but it's also about our thoughts. It's about where are we focusing our attentions? How are you looking at that person that just walked by? What are you thinking about on a daily basis? Are your thoughts pure towards your spouse? Are your thoughts in line with what God says? Is marriage being honored by all and keeping the marriage bed pure? So what you shared was really spot on with that, doug. But even in addition to that, just what we're thinking about on a daily basis and how we look at other people.

Speaker 1:

And the one thing I would add is, if you want to make sure you're setting high boundaries for purity, don't be texting the opposite sex. I mean, now, I know you're like I have to text someone from work. What do I do? What I'm saying? You know what I'm saying. If you're listening and you're like man, I get it. Do not start to go down that road of well, this is innocent and this is fine and that we're just. It's just something I'm sharing something with, and everything. As soon as you cross a boundary where it is like you know what, that's something really I should just be talking with my wife about. You've crossed the line you shouldn't cross.

Speaker 3:

Well, a great test for that is how would I feel if he saw it? And we have open phones, we have open electronics around our house. We can access each other's devices anytime we want. Not that we snoop, but it's just it keeps those boundaries in check. But yeah, if you have to say, well, I don't want him to see this or you turn your phone away.

Speaker 1:

That's a pretty good sign that you're crossing a boundary that could lead to danger. Yeah, it's great because we can have all this openness with passwords and everything, because I never remember mine. So I'm like Sarah, can you just keep these for me?

Speaker 2:

And so you know, the purity boundary boils down to this guard your heart Above all else. Guard your heart, for it's the wellspring of life. I think the more we love the Lord, the longer we've been a Christian, a believer, we go well, maybe that doesn't apply to me, but, man, the Bible makes it very clear if you let it in, it's going to come out. So, whether you're, I mean you, ever notice, every sitcom movie it's always about a bad husband, a bad wife.

Speaker 3:

Every country song ever made is about a cheating.

Speaker 2:

So our culture is always feeding us these awful stereotypes of marriages. Just guard your heart and get serious about that. Speaking of guarding your heart, how's this? For a segue, I'm ready To number three. We've got the priority boundary, so quality time, all right. We have got the purity boundary. How about this one? We have got the purity boundary. How about this one? People, specifically, what are the voices we are allowing in to our marriage? Galatians 5.9,. I know very little about cooking.

Speaker 1:

You make a mean grilled cheese. Is this true? That's all I can make. I can make grilled cheese in my sleep, I know that that's all I can make. I can make grilled cheese in my sleep, I know that.

Speaker 2:

But Galatians 5.9 says a little leaven. Even I know you put a little leaven into the bread and it makes a big difference. Just the tiniest little piece. The voices that you allow in to your relationship make all the difference in the world, man, and I'm going with this. All the difference in the world, man, and I'm going with this. There are two voices that should be at the top of your voices that you allow in two marriages. Now there can be other voices pastors, in-laws, children, Mentors, mentors, yeah, very true, but man, top of the list, the Lord and your spouse. Those are the ones. So that's number one. Number two the voices that affect what happens in your marriage, everything else, whatever's. Number three, way far down the list.

Speaker 1:

So, Doug, the people boundary that's so key, who do you let into your life? And good news I mostly have narrowed it down just to online led into your life and good news.

Speaker 2:

I mostly have narrowed it down just to online. Uh, is that good?

Speaker 4:

we were talking about that, uh, just a little bit yesterday. Just how, um, without realizing it, you are taking advice from people that you don't necessarily know? Um, and you read everything on there on online social media and you just don't realize it, but it it is. You're bringing into the marriage in between the what should be between a husband and a wife.

Speaker 2:

That's so true. It's so funny. When people are talking on social media and it's like you know that they're talking about their husband or their wife. They're like I'm not going to say who this is, but this guy forgot to do the dishes. He comes home late from work all the time. He shall remain nameless.

Speaker 1:

And actually you know where? One big space for that is online. There's Facebook and Instagram and everything but Reddit is a place where people go and they just kind of tell the anonymous stories. I used air quotes if you're not watching on YouTube.

Speaker 1:

The anonymous stories where all of a sudden, they're explaining the situation and they're just getting all this feedback. So they ask the question what should I do? That goes back to what you were saying, Doug. Who are you asking that about? What should I do? Are you starting with the Lord first?

Speaker 1:

And look, I know that for a lot of people, the in-laws and friends categories are what really hit where it is like man, you know I am, but I'm calling mom or dad every day and I'm getting, and here's what they say. And it's like, okay, getting input sometimes is fine because you need healthy voices in your life. But here's my kind of litmus test here, the first Thessalonians 511 test. Therefore, encourage one another and build one another up. Is the advice you're getting, is the input you're getting, is it about building people up and encouraging people, or is it about, yeah, you should have problems with that person, because this is the list I have? So I think it's really important to make sure the voices you do have. Again, just, our pastor says every marriage is a duet in need of great backup singers. Are your backup singers of your marriage encouraging yes, challenging, but challenging both of you, trying to be there for both of you, not just a sounding board for one.

Speaker 2:

That's huge. How do you define what value You're making this list of people that you allow to speak into your relationship? How do you define what value is in a voice? I got two Bs for you. What they're saying is biblical and what they're saying supports you both. It's not just a. We want to go to the person that is on our side, so that's why sometimes an in-laws thing can get really tricky. They got to be on both your side. It's got to be biblical. That's how you know that. That's someone that I should be listening to. So we got the ladies here. Do you guys have? We have some very good boundaries going on here. Do you guys have any thoughts here?

Speaker 3:

I do. Actually, this one is another P, it's protective boundaries. I bring it up because this one's a hard one for me. It's a hard one for me to accept and I have a husband who protects me really, really well, really graciously, as far as allowing me a lot of space to be me but also being really careful and protective of me, and I love that. I love when we walk down our safe little neighborhood, down towards the little cul-de-sac. He always makes sure I'm walking on the sidewalk and he's walking on the street. And it might seem a little bit silly, but in my heart I know that what he's communicating is that he will give his life for me, that he will put himself between me and danger. And there are a lot of, there are a lot of times in our lives when you do that, brad, and, and it means so much to me.

Speaker 3:

But I had a moment a couple of weeks ago that really stood out to me.

Speaker 3:

I was on a road trip and you don't like when I go on road trips alone, so you're always making sure the car is extra, extra good and and you texted me to make sure the tire pump was in the car and all these things to make sure I was protected and safe. And then I just commented to a friend who was with me Brad's probably checking to see where we are on the route right now. And my friend was shocked and was like, well, that would not go over in my home my husband would hate to know if I was tracking him or knew where he was. And and it was just a really interesting comparison to me because I felt safe by that, I loved that you want to know, I'm okay, you check, we check in on each other. When, whenever either of us is on trips just to see where we're at and just to be a part of each other's lives, there shouldn't be fear, there shouldn't be defensiveness in that. It's just part of just the safety within boundaries of knowing it's in love.

Speaker 1:

I appreciate you saying that and I did not pull up. Find my at all Maybe twice, all right.

Speaker 4:

So the other thing I was going to mention was protecting our character as wives.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I think part of you feeling safe, part of me feeling safe, is knowing that whatever I know, whatever I tell you and prayerfully that I know, whatever I tell you and prayerfully that you know this about me, is going to stay safe with me. I'm not going to share it with my golf buddies. I'm not going to put some anonymous post on social media that everyone knows who I'm talking about. You have golf buddies. I'm sorry, here's how I make golf friends, I say I will not join you in your game.

Speaker 1:

I was curious if we can go back real quick the so protecting your character as a wife or as a spouse, just sharing what? What do you mean by that? Like I, I think I know, but I mean, what do you mean by that?

Speaker 4:

just as doug was saying just sharing what we have that we talk about by ourselves. That it's not. You're not sharing all the garbage or the bad things about your husband, so you're not venting during ladies' night or dudes' time, that's huge.

Speaker 2:

See, venting feels so good. But 1 Peter, 5, 7, there's a reason the Lord says cast your cares on me, let him be your sounding board.

Speaker 2:

Yes spouse has to know that they can trust us. If Anna is being emotionally vulnerable with me about something or me with her, I don't get to decide whether that is a legitimate thing for her to be feeling emotional about. That's part of our spouse feeling safe just going. I'm not going to sit here and go. Well, that shouldn't be that or that should be that I just go. You know what Part of Anna knowing that she is safe in this relationship is me going? That's legitimate. However you're feeling, let's explore that. If you roll your eyes, you always don't be so sensitive. You have just failed.

Speaker 1:

Your spouse feeling safe. If you roll your eyes, you always don't be so sensitive. You have just failed your spouse feeling safe. Rolling safe. You roll your eyes, roll them right back, roll them right back.

Speaker 1:

Colossians 3.19. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. We love like Jesus. The other place you can go is 1 Corinthians 13 if you're looking for the love grid. But we love like Jesus when we protect our spouse in how we speak, in what words we use and in responding in love and gentleness. It's the fruit of the Spirit. Again too, there's so much to guide us. If there's ever a moment and especially I'm saying to the men right now if there's a moment that your wife does not feel safe because of how you respond, you need to check yourself, you need to get right with the Lord and you need to talk to Him about that, because our spouse should always feel safe and protected. And I want you to know, sarah and I know you feel this way too, doug, with Anna that I feel safe with you, that I feel like you're not going to just be talking to everyone about what we talk about, but that it is. Our marriage is a protected airspace, basically.

Speaker 3:

It's trust man.

Speaker 1:

Protected airspace. So there are your, the four beautiful boundaries. Four beautiful boundaries in a marriage that we pray will help. You have even a great Valentine's Day ahead, but beyond that, the foundations for what can be some. Maybe boundaries that you're starting for the first time in marriage. Maybe it's a reset, or maybe this just is an affirmation of what you're already doing, but regardless, we pray. It's been an encouragement to you this.

Speaker 2:

Valentine's Day. Maybe take a look at that 1 Corinthians 13, that chapter on love, and just ask Lord, how am I doing here? How am I doing on keeping a record of wrongs? How am I doing on being trustable and bring it to him? Sarah?

Speaker 4:

And bring it to your wife or talk about it.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, that's really good, okay, honey, I will.

Speaker 1:

Sarah Anna, thank you for joining us.

Speaker 2:

It's their favorite thing in the world. It is. It is To be on mic and camera.

Speaker 1:

So thank you for doing this with us. We just love what God is doing through just encouraging people to be ambassadors through this, and you two were an encouragement to people today. I truly believe. So thank you. So until next time, from all of us here Go, Mad.